I’ve been silent.
Not because I haven’t had things to say… more so because what I have to say is not easy to say. The below post was written ten months ago. Saved to my drafts, for my eyes only. Today I sit here, 7 months pregnant. I experienced a miscarriage in May 2015, a really hard summer of sadness and today, fear of what the next three months will hold. I wanted to share the below post, because while I am pregnant now and have thought a lot about motherhood, the below still rings true.
When I was 19, and after a few rounds of tests and hormone medications, I was told by my doctor that I “would have a heck of a time getting pregnant”. Now being 19, I didn’t think too much of the diagnosis. I was 19, why would I?
However, years after hearing this I began to reflect and realize that I had two choices:
1. Ignore it OR
2. Accept it!
I chose to accept it, not because I lost hope in the idea of having children of my own or experiencing pregnancy, but because I really couldn’t ignore it any longer. After being diagnosed with endometriosis I gained new insight about my body and the researcher in me wanted to learn all there was to this new diagnosis, to be both informed and empowered.
Over ten years later, after two surgeries and many various trials with drugs and supplements, I am still unsure of whether or not I want to have children. This uncertainty of course has some relation to endometriosis; it affects every aspect of my menstrual cycle – my life – to not take it into account would be naive.
My life is not without children. I am an aunt to some pretty incredible kids. I’ve been blessed to take part in their upbringing, to laugh with them, enjoy their imaginations and to learn from them.
Living with endometriosis isn’t easy. Lately I’m pretty much convinced that it is quite awful. No one really asks what it’s like. Many people think “oh she just has bad cramps”, but it’s not like that at all. If only it were just a few cramps here and there. Living with endometriosis, knowing what the future holds, is devastating.
There is a line in the film, The Fault in Our Stars, where Hazel Grace tells Gus: “I also don’t really want this particular life.”. Without raising alarm bells for the fact that I may be sad to a certain level, and quite possibly depressed on some tough days, I often do not want this particular life (living with endometriosis). While Hazel Grace had a much tougher battle to go through, she makes a good point; sometimes life isn’t easy or joyful and it’s okay to not like what you are going through. It’s okay to be a little upset, frustrated and sad.
No one ever said life would be easy… I just wish it was easier.
While this disease may be destroying my insides, it doesn’t need to destroy my mind, mood or spiritual life. This of course is easier said than done. I’ve questioned a lot over the past few years. Sometimes I even wake up panicked that I may in fact never experience pregnancy, have not yet experienced pregnancy, may not want to experience pregnancy… and the list goes on and on and on. I struggle with seeing beyond the disease because it plays a role in so many facets of my life. From the number of hours of sleep I get, to my diet and exercise, whether or not I can lift my adorable nephew… it’s ever present.
And I doubt.
That is the worse part of all.