red musings

Dear U,

I find this month to be one of sadness for me. As old chapters are ending, new ones have started, but I am not really sure how I feel about these new pages yet to be creased, written on and torn.

Looking deep within I’ve realize that when we first started our relationship I had many hopes, fears and worries. Not surprisingly, I still carry many of them close to my heart today. Over the past year I have discovered so much about U, and in turn about myself. Yet, I still feel as if I don’t know much about the woman I see staring back at me from the mirror.

Mirror mirror on the wall, please tell me who I am?

While the next few months will certainly be exciting, I can’t help but worry how U will play into everything. U seem to get in the way and cause trouble when I most need U to be on your best behaviour. It is hard at times to not be able to control U.

And yet, at the same time, I find it empowering that I can’t control U. So much of menstrual culture today is about control – about providing women with the means to control when they menstruate, ovulate and feel any emotion at all. While it can be discouraging, the fact that U are who U are without intervention is… liberating. Of course I haven’t always felt this way, and yes there will be days that I feel in opposition to these ideas. I’ve tried to put U in your place on more than one occasion – tried being the key word. Thankfully you wouldn’t have it, and I now see how unfair that was of me.

U had other plans for us, that at the time (and even the other day, and possibly this morning) I couldn’t quite understand.

But within these feelings of “not understanding” I often feel a bit excited at what could happen… 

I’ve written a few lines (something I haven’t done in about ten years) to express my thoughts to U. I hope they will somehow reach someone else and bring new meaning and empowerment to their menstrual health.

red musings are often fragmented

feelings within, seeing outside

a blessing for some, sadness for others

yet they are our red musings 

from one to the next, none the same

eager to receive, eager to control

a blessing for some, sadness for others

they are our red musings, but they are also theirs

with you for a while, then a slow goodbye

enveloping you in mixed emotions
a blessing for some, sadness for others

red musings, red musings can turn into life

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2 comments on “red musings

  1. Grayseer says:

    Sophie;

    I’ve been thinking about our discussion at church regarding ways to incorporate your faith into these discussion threads, and to be honest, I was at a loss for a while…until I read this post. It’s taken a bit to piece together my thoughts on this, but I hope this is helpful:

    You said, “It is hard at times to not be able to control U.And yet, at the same time, I find it empowering that I can’t control U. So much of menstrual culture today is about control – about providing women with the means to control when they menstruate, ovulate and feel any emotion at all. While it can be discouraging, the fact that U are who U are without intervention is… liberating. Of course I haven’t always felt this way, and yes there will be days that I feel in opposition to these ideas. I’ve tried to put U in your place on more than one occasion – tried being the key word. Thankfully you wouldn’t have it ”

    In effect, you’re working with the reality of God in your expressions of female biology. There is definitely a deeper link to be explored, but in this paragraph, you’ve expressed succinctly the difference between religion (control, magic, superstition) and faith (liberation, chaos, I-Thou). In fact, Moses himself tried, in some way, to ‘control’ God in their initial encounter, by asking a name of Him. The name of God, literally expressed as “I will be what I will be” provides opportunity for us to maintain our position as creatures under His control. He cannot be manipulated. He is inconvenient for us. He is what we are all desperately trying to put in a certain place…like your experiences in menstruation, He is beyond our capacity to schedule, understand, and control. God is ultimately a Being of entire freedom…and we can’t stand that.
    Religion is our desperate attempts to meet God on our own terms – as is (it sounds like) the culture of media-driven feminine hygenics…there is a fascinating road of conversation open as you empower women to find freedom in something they can’t fully cover up or discard…in the same way, I hope to empower people to drop rigid, rationalistic religion for the freedom of being swept up into a Being who was, and is, and will always be powerfully, majestically, and lovingly beyond our control. This may sound strange, but think of Him when you are out of control…He is out of control as well.
    Grace!

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