breathing for U, breathing for me

Dear U,

It has been one of those days (turning into one of those weeks) where meltdowns should be in order, but rage seems to cut in line. As my body tightens over the frustration that is “the situation” I can feel U tightening; pleading for calm.

And so I am learning to breathe… slowly, deep breaths, closing my eyes, paying attention to the time between each breath.

Sometimes it works and during others… well I can’t focus enough to even begin to slow my breath.

But I’m still trying.

Not because I’m settling, or accepting people’s actions, but because in the end if I don’t keep U in good shape, calm and happy, I am no help to anyone.

Lately, I’ve been trying to pay close attention to my mood, and more specifically, how I feel after moments of intense emotion, whether happy, sad and yes on occasion, mad. I’ve noticed that when the anger does start to boil, the pain begins. If the pain is already present, it increases. It’s as if U are “poking” me, telling me “calm down, this won’t make you feel good”.

I have to admit that although I appreciate how U try to keep me accountable, I’m not a fan of the pain.

Regardless, “the situation” seems to spur the rage and no matter how I spin it or how many narratives of great revenge I can think of, the helplessness never goes away. U seem to hang onto these moments, moments of helplessness. I’m thinking it’s because U know that no matter how angry or sad I get, it won’t help anything! For this I thank U. I need to be reminded that no matter what is thrown at us, passing it by as if it never occurred is the best reply, for both my mood and U.

I find it fascinating how our thoughts are often fighting with our physical symptoms. The one is racing while the other trying to keep up, reaching out, but just grazing the other and as such is left without a “helping hand”. U must get exhausted on days like today, when my mood can’t stop racing. It is a chase, and my hope is that as I try to follow U (and not my mood) we will fall into step.

And so as life brings new challenges, and as others begin to resolve, I will pay close attention to how my reaction influences U.

And I hope that in return U will do the same.

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